Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Political Parody of Patter-Trio from "Ruddigore": "It Really Doesn't Matter"

I just wrote this today. I've tried to be even handed here, so this will no doubt offend everyone.


BUSH:
My eyes are fully open to my present situation:
By alarming the electorate I’m leader of this nation;
I informed them gays and terrorists would turn this land to rubble
And that they should just elect me if they don’t want any trouble;
I know God and Fox and Wall Street all smile down upon my ventures–
Reinserting Granny’s feeding tube while prying out her dentures;
And yet somehow you won’t see Bin Laden’s head upon a platter–
‘Cause Osama’s on my payroll and it really doesn’t matter!

KERRY:
So it really doesn’t matter–

AMERICA:
So it really doesn’t matter–

ALL:
So it really doesn’t matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!


KERRY:
If I were not perceived as stiff and generally chilly
Yes, I might have wiped the floor up with that Andover Hillbilly–
That’s assuming I had not ignored the Swift Boat defamation
So that I could go wind-surfing on my well-deserved vacation;
And if I’d dared to daub mud on my fellow Bonesman scholar
We might have some social justice and perhaps a stronger dollar;
Oh, but when that certain substance hits the fan with such a splatter
I’ll be wintering in Gstaad and so avoid the fecal matter!

BUSH:
He’ll avoid the fecal matter–

AMERICA:
He’ll avoid the fecal matter–

ALL:
He’ll avoid the fecal matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!


AMERICA:
We get five hundred channels of fine cable television
And it guides us through the quagmire of free will and indecision;
It determines all we do and think–we never have to mull or
Meander through gray areas–it’s all “black and white” in color;
And all contradicting data is thus carefully redacted
We haven’t any clue at all as to just what’s been extracted;
So we have no health insurance and our kids are getting fatter–
We are all well infotained and so it really doesn’t matter!

KERRY:
So it really doesn’t matter–

BUSH:
Bet your ass it doesn’t matter–

ALL:
So it really doesn’t matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

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