Monday, March 14, 2005

Past Its Sell-By Date: "Here Comes Marv Albert!"

This is going to seem terribly quaint, but it's a song I composed about the Marv Albert scandal waaaay back in October 1997. I wrote it for the Halloween edition of the radio program I was then occasionally appearing on (without recompense, of course). It was deemed one of my better lyrics--now I consider it a bug in amber:

There's a fiend in our neighborhood;
There's a fiend who is just no good--
And if you meet him tonight
You're in for quite a fright;

Cheap toupee and a pink chemise--
And as wonders will never cease
Up until quite recently he
Called sports for NBC--

Here comes Marv Albert--
Better lock the door;
Here comes Marv Albert--
He's a carnivore;
Won't he delight you
With tickets to the Knicks--
But then he'll bite you
To get his kinky kicks;

You'll bear his toothmarks
Just like Lincoln bore
His John Wilkes Booth marks--
Albert is hard-core;
Same as drugs
You should just say "no" to rugs--
Marv Albert's coming--beware!

- - -

Here comes Marv Albert
In a frilly dress;
Here comes Marv Albert--
He thinks "no" means "yessss!"
That may be scary,
But then, his phony hair--
That he should bury
Out in a field somewhere;

Albert's maneuver
Is to remind us of
J. Edgar Hoover
And other girls we love;
He's obscene--
He's the Queen of Halloween--
Marv Albert's coming--beware!

The chord changes in "Marv Albert" are redolent of those employed in "Limehouse Blues"--except that it ends in with the relative minor chord. This likeness was entirely accidental, of course.


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